His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
