Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
