btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
