how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
