i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
