His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
