im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
