On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
