I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's rum buckets o'clock
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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