Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sext me about skeletons
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
