Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
