If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize