You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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