It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize