my phone needs a breathalizer
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
