dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
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