Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You smell like stripper and shame
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I need to sanitize my soul.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
