just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize