insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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