That's intense
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
