Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize