I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
