things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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