I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
