Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
