i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
