Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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