I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I didn't notice because vodka
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
