dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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