Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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