Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
