I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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