Your mouth is God's brothel.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
