i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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