Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
