mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
