My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
