i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
