He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
