I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Four minutes until I can fart!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize