i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
