just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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