if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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