i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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