Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
