I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
