Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize