Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
