She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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