You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
