No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
