this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
