hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
