I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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