I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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