Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
