im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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