woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize