Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
