Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
