White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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