Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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